Baby Knits for Golden Nugget

The time is coming for my little bundle to come say hello. Three weeks according to the calendar. Most of the time, I feel really good, last night not so much. My doc check up yesterday may have stirred the "pot" and I had some awful contractions that kept me up from 2:30am-4am. Needless to say, I am exhausted this morning. But that is not the reason why I am blogging. I want to blog these cute little hats that I have been making since this weekend. I picked up some Elysian yarn by Cascade Yarns, it is a blend of superwash merino wool and acrylic--it knits beautifully! 

There are no patterns for the hats, except the cable hat, this is a baby adaptation of the Quendi hat. I am in love with all of them and I can't wait to see my little Golden nugget wear them.


This is the Quendi Hat that I adapted to a baby size.


Little Bow Hat with a seed stitch bow (bows can be interchanged).


A little bell shaped bow hat--so girly that it makes me want to squee! 


And the littlest hat of them all. I made this one newborn size, will most likely bring baby home wearing this one. The bow is garter stitch that is folded on the edges to make it more crisp so it doesn't fall over. 

Count down has begun! My little one could be here any day! 

Exercising Momma-week 16

16 weeks

We went running this morning, the first time in a long time. Yep, I got the treadmill going and climb on that thing. I wanted to try it out in safe environment where I could rush to the bathroom if I needed to worship the throne. Went slower than I wanted, but we felt good. I love feeling the sweat drip down and feeling my heart rate speed up with each step. 

As I was running this morning, I couldn't help but dream of next year and preparing myself for some races. I dream of running a marathon next May, perhaps Mt. Charleston in Vegas. I guess placing a dream/goal ahead of me will keep me motivated during the next few months and the months after. Training in the winter sucks but I did it this last winter and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Nothing like running with a group of gals at 6am in the pitch dark, cold, dreary winter to lift up your spirits. Winter of 2016 will be a bit different and I bet I will be half asleep most of the time, but I really hope to be able to be running and training by mid December. 


How are we doing? Morning sickness is going down. I still have some very bad days where I feel awful all day long. I attribute it to the days when I have some sort of dairy. I have found that cheese is okay, but having even an ounce of milk can set me for some crappy days.Also, I can drink water once again. I have missed it. I love drinking yummy water, so refreshing! But the baby didn't seem to like it at all at first, it made me gag and feel overall yucky! The baby is growing and I can feel the little bump now when I lay down. It seemed that just last week I could lay down in bed and my "belly" would go away, not anymore, my little bump is there. We are at 16 weeks now. 24 weeks left!!! I hope we can make it. WE need to make it. I don't know if I could cope mentally with losing another baby. But, I guess I am not the boss of that part. She is the size of an avocado this week and she has all her little limbs developed, and has some fuzz around her head. Oh yeah, I found out that we are having a little girl. I had the high risk blood test and my little avocado seems to be in the normal range (whatever that means, cuz we are anything but normal at my house). Through the test, we were also able to find out that our household will be getting another little girl. I am very excited! Of course, I would have been excited too for a baby boy. They are both so much fun. Papa is already dreaming of putting her into weightlifting, and maybe soccer :). Itsagirl

Last week went great in staying on the wagon. Monday, the workout sucked big time at the gym. My knees killed me the morning after, so I moved my day off to Tuesday, to let my knee recuperate. Silly knee, it seems like it will never be the same. I guess having 100% of your meniscus makes a huge difference. 

We will continue working out, slower, with lower weights, in hopes that all of this will help me have a healthy baby and easier delivery. 

Monday: Crossfit and Zumba

Partner WOD
20 min. AMRAP
*5 T2B
*7 Goblet Squats 50/35
*9 KB Swings 50/35

*Plank Hold--I did this on my knees. 


*200m Run

Notes: Felt pretty good while we were working out. Farina was my partner and we went at a good pace the entire workout. Felt that the 20 minutes were super long, but we stuck to it and we did fabulous! We did 7 rounds even. 

Zumba: always fun! Let's dance and shake it. I have found that I drink a lot more water if I hit the class and my body really likes to drink all that yummy water. 

Tuesday: Impromptu day off. My knees killed from the goblet squats the day before. 

Wednesday: Crossfit 

8 Rounds
*5 HSPUs (Heavy Push Press)
*10 KB Swings 50/35
*100m run

Notes: I did the push presses at 65#. The running, although it is supposed to be a sprint, I cannot sprint anymore. Whenever I tend to run faster, my tummy cramps up, so I go slower. We can handle it a little slower. 

Thursday: Crossfit

*OHS 3-3-3-3-3

*200m Run
*18 Wall Balls 20/14
*9 Hang Cleans at 65#
*200m Run
*14 Wall Balls
*Hang Cleans
*200m Run
*10 Wall Balls
*5 Hang Cleans
*200m Run
*14 Wall Balls
*7 Hang Cleans
*200m Run
*18 Wall Balls
*9 Hang Cleans
*200m Run

Notes: Gah! This totally sucked wind! The hang cleans were supposed to be done at 95#, I dropped down to 75#. I am growing a human here! Priority number one is keeping it safe, inside my womb. Could I have done 95#, totally, but that is not the goal over the next few months. The goal is to stay healthy, moving, and not to lose all the muscle I have acquired over the past years. The wod itself was brutal!

Friday: Crossfit and Zumba

Strength – 12 mins.
*Bench Press 3-3-3-3-3

*5 Snatch 95/65 
*40 DUs (120 SUs)
*10 Snatch 75/55 
*40 DUs
*15 Snatch 45/35 
*40 DUs

Notes: A short and sweet WOD, less than 4 minutes. Double unders while pregnant is kind of mean when pregnant and I can pee on command. 

Zumba: again, always super fun. It never feels like a workout. 

Saturday: Zumba and Yoga

Notes: Perfect way to end the week. A little dancing, and then a relaxing yoga practice. I hear that practicing yoga will help me when I deliver. I don't know if that is true but it does calm me down. It seems that I have all these demons fighting in my head, always going 1000 miles an hour, yet when I come out of yoga, I feel calmer, more in tune with everything around me and not so much with what is happening in my head. 




Working out while pregnant

I don't remember being this tired in my previous pregnancies. Could it be my age? All I know is that I am exhausted by 3pm. I can take naps on demand now, something that was very rare in the past. Last Sunday, I slept all day, I think I took 5 naps, long naps too. 

It has been a mental struggle getting myself to go to the gym. I know working out makes me feel better, about 100% better, but having the energy to get to the gym is where it is lacking. Lack of energy has never been in my vocabulary, not anymore! I have been diligent in listening to my body and still working out. I am pleased to say that I have made it 5 out of 7 days every week. I always take Sundays off and in the past I used to workout Mon-Sat, but now, I take a break in between. 

My goal is to continue the trend of working out every day. I want to continue weightlifting, and hopefully soon, I can start running again without the peanut squishing my blatter every 2 steps (he seems to be sitting right on top of it right now). 

In an effort to help other expectant moms, I want to log my workouts and how I feel. I have heard the myths about exercising while pregnant and I hope that I am able to help others who are unsure. Note: I have been doing crossfit for 4+ years, and have been running for 8 years (running, as in running half marathons and marathons). I am not starting from scratch. My body is used to what I am doing right now, and I am not introducing anything new to the mix. Keep that in mind when starting a workout routine. Do check with your doctor. Mine gave me a "go ahead" on my first visit. I told her as soon as my energy returns, I hope to be back to running. We both laughed because I was able to run 10+ miles probably during my first month of pregnancy, yet at 12 weeks going up the stairs at home made me winded. One thing that we have to remember is that we are GROWING A HUMAN! Growing a human is hard work. It taps on your energy, it taps on your food source, and it taps you mentally--be kind to yourself (I have a hard time being kind to myself). 

Here is a quick log of what I have done this past week and my plans for today and tomorrow:

Monday: Crossfit & Zumba

Half "MURPH"

*800m Run
*50 Pull-Ups
*100 Push-Ups
*150 Squats
*800m Run


I am getting to the point where I feel a slight pull when I do my kipping pull ups so I am slowly modifying. Push ups--my lower back can't handle them so I am doing knee push ups. This is a huge hit to my ego but I do what I can. Squats, thanks to my running, I have strong legs and my legs can take the beating so no modifications there. Running is a lot slower but I am still running. 

Zumba class is just plain fun. I love dancing and moving. This does not feel like a workout although my Garmin says that I "walk" an average of 5 miles during the class. 

Tuesday: Insanity

This class kicked my butt. I have to modify the ab workout slightly. I can still do a few of the push ups (as long as it is not 100 of them). Whenever I get too tired of jumping, I just do static moves. My fitness background helps me in this area as I am able to modify when I see it needed and I know how to modify. 

Wednesday: Crossfit

5 min. AMRAP
*10 Box Jumps 24/20
*5 T2B or GHDs

2 min. Rest

5 min. AMRP
*20 DUs
*5 Pull-Ups

Notes: I was able to do it all. Slower. My Toes to Bar are getting to be pretty pathetic but I can still do them. Again, the kipping motion pulls a little bit so I can see that I will get to a point rather quickly when I won't be able to kip to do Toes to Bar or Pull ups. Again, a huge hit to my ego, however, I can workout and I will continue to do what I can for as long as possible and then modify. 

Thursday: OFF.

Friday: Crossfit

3 Rounds
*10 Floor Press 95/65 H135/95
*20 Squats
*20 Floor Wipers
*10 Back Extensions

Notes: Still to do this afternoon. I can foressee the floor presses needing help to place the bar overhead as I typically put the bar on my hips and thrust the bar up with my hips. 

Saturday: Running, Zumba, and Yoga

I am planning to run to Zumba 2.5 miles. Do Zumba and Yoga Classes, then run back home. Then I get to rest all day long. 

Here is some inspiration for myself for the upcoming months:

Anxiety and Fear


In the past few years, I have noticed that I suffer a bit from anxiety. I didn't really know I had this until one day I caught myself repeating a certain sentence over and over in my head. Then a few days later I noticed the same exact habit, I started to notice more and more when I would end up in this cycle. They don't last long and lately, now that I am aware of them, I try to snap myself out of them. I don't know what causes it, probably stress, probably feelings of inadequacy, whatever it is, it is terrifying and I don't like the feeling at all. I hate meds, so I probably will try to never get on any of them, especially if I can snap myself out of it myself. 

However, yesterday, I was overly stressed. I knew what was stressing me out and I tried all weekend to not let myself be stressed out over it. What was stressing me out? Something extremely simple--I was having another doctor's appointment for my pregnancy. I have had many of them with my first two and I don't remember ever being stressed out. However, after my miscarriage in November, anything at all with this pregnancy sets me on edge. Although I have had already one ultrasound and it showed everything normal (at least to the little peanut size baby that I had at that point), I was terrified. All weekend and all day yesterday, I was preparing myself for the worst. I was preparing myself mentally to hear the doctor say, "Isela, I am sorry, it doesn't seem like a viable pregnancy." Is that crazy? I think I am trying to shield myself in case anything happens. I know my odds of having a healthy pregnancy are low due to age...blah, blah, apparently 38 is too old. 

My appointment was at 4:30 and I was on on edge! I wanted to know that my baby was okay, that my body was handling it okay. That my body can still carry a wee one. The doctor, thankfully, was in and they took us right away. She came in and after some small talk, she said that we will listen to the heartbeat. My heart was racing. I was sweating. I was hopeful. She put the little ultrasound gadget on my abdomen and right away, the most beautiful sound came on "woosh, woosh, woosh" beating at 160 bpm! My little wee one is thriving. My body is doing it! I am doing this!!! I am officially out of the first trimester, the odds for me and my baby have gone up considerably. Am I still out of the danger zone, no, I am not, but I am hopeful that the Lord will allow me to have one more little one. I am hopeful that we will both make it through the next 6 months. 

I think the miscarriage taught a lot that I had never imagined before. The fear that enters our hearts is indescribable. It is hard not to hope and not to have dreams about this little bundle, especially when you want it so badly. Yet, having had the miscarriage taught me that even the one thing I have "some control over", my body, that I cannot really control it. It taught me to fear, to fear simple routine checkups. It taught to fear everything I do. As such, when people tell me with an accusing tone "you are still lifting and running?" it bothers me,  not because it is a thoughtless comment (although it may be) but because if they only knew how much I love and want this baby, I wouldn't do anything in this world to jeopardize my pregnancy. The truth is that if I am going to miscarry, there is nothing on this earth that I can do about it. I learned that lesson in November. I cried. I begged. I prayed. I stopped doing everything and anything physical to save my pregnancy, and I couldn't do anything. Even the doctor said, if the pregnancy is not viable, your body will end it, there is nothing we can do about it, or you can do about it. It is hard to lose this control. It is hard to accept that we do not have control over these things--believe me, I am a control freak and this one episode in my life has taught me what 37 years of life hasn't been able to in that time period. 

Coming October next greatest accomplishment since almost 12 years ago.

Announcement sitting down

We are so excited to announce that we are being blessed with a third little one. The baby is due October 2016. We all cannot wait to hold the baby and cherish it as much as we are cherishing the idea of him/her right now. We are all full of hope and feel so blessed. 


Our little peanut is still very little, but we love him/her so much already. I wonder if he/she knows how excited we are. 



This post was written on March 14, 2016, made public,  April 13 2016.

Totally unexpected. I got super sick on Thursday March 3rd, so sick that I wanted to crawl under a rock and die! That evening my son had a hockey tournament and I dragged myself to the game, all the way down in Provo, a good 2-hr drive from home. I lasted about 30 minutes in the front seat and then I had to switch my son as I couldn't take the nausea. Truly, I felt like I was dying. The game was a whirlwind and I felt nauseated the entire time. At the end of the game, I climbed back in the car and curled into a ball and slept the entire 2-hour ride back home. I was miserable. The next morning, the same plus some flu side effects. Truly--why does the body react so violently to a virus inside the body, why can't it just peacefully let one simply die! The hockey tournament weekend was a no-go for me. I stayed home with Nyah--who took charge of me and became my little nurse. Friends came to my aid bringing me meds and soda. I drank my first coke in 16 years! Oh, it was like mana from heaven. My guts felt better the instant I started sipping on it. It may not be good for the body, but it is good for killing viruses. 

Monday came and I felt almost human enough to go back to work. I was still feeling the flu in my body but was at least running at 70%. Then, that evening came and with it cooking or being around food (hubby cooks a lot of the meals as he gets home earlier than I do from work). The moment he started cooking, I felt again completely nauseated and sick. Something was not right. I was supposed to be getting better not worse. Then my kids came and gave me hugs and their stench about killed me. They were so smelly! A pre-teen girl and a teenage boy do not smell their best at the end of the day. Gosh! They were stinky! 

Then it dawned on couldn't just couldn't happen. I counted and recounted and knew that it wasn't possible. But, I picked up a cheap test at the supermarket and I took it, waiting the required time to see the results. In my head, I knew it had to say "-". Well, I was wrong, the second the fluid hit the lines, it turned into a "+". No freaking way! It had to be wrong. I had to send hubby back to the store to get a "good and reliable" test. Maybe the $4.99 was wrong. Took the second test, waited the 2-minutes for it to say  "yes" or "no". Unbelievably, it was a "yes"!!! What in the world!?! Both hubby and I were confused and really have no clue how it happened, according to dates other than my body did something weird in between months, so we are calling it our miracle. 

Pregnancy test 3.14.16

To tell you an approximate date is a little complicated so I will wait until the doctor gives us a more accurate date, but it should be beginning of November. 

Am I apprehensive? Yes. After my miscarriage in November and the emotions that I went through (and still going through) this is difficult to accept, not because I do not want to be pregnant, but because I am afraid of losing my little one, again. I don't want to go through the loss one more time--I try to be strong in my everyday life and not be that little broken-winged bird, but that experience truly broke me.

I have been very sick this time around and I have an aversion to everything I smell. The hardest part has been my water intake. I used to drink 80-100 oz a day but I can't stomach the taste of water, so I have felt dehydrated all the time. I am queasy and feel nauseous all day long. Where before I didn't cook due to lack of time, now I can't cook for fear of barfing every minute. I want to think of these side effects as good omens....I want my body to be able to keep my little one. 

This was written on March 14, 2016. 

Morning thoughts


Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I go through the same battle in my head. The saying goes "workout because you love your body not because you hate it". I want to love it. I love the fact that it is healthy and that I can do stuff with it, however, I hate it because I have the genes to be a chunky dunky monkey so in order to stay healthy, I have to constantly work my butt off. I cannot help but look around at other women who do not workout and look amazing all the time. At 5:30am when my alarm is going off, all I can say to myself to get out of bed is "fatso, get up, that flabby belly is not going to go away by itself!" Not like it has gone away before, but I keep it at bay.  Comparison is the worst enemy, I know, but it is so hard to think logically at 5:30am when I am tired and all I want to do is keep sleeping til 7am. So each time, I end up getting up and getting dressed in 100 layers and going out for a run. It is a sense of responsibility and shame that makes me get up. Do you have to get up early in the morning to workout? 

Working full time has its awesome perks-I love having health insurance! I enjoy the sense of security it gives me as I know that if my children get sick that I can take them to the doctor so they get check. However, I have struggled finding the time to workout. I finally understand what many people told me before "I don't have time!". It is true. If I slept til 7am, I also wouldn't have time. Fitting in all the activities from the kids and my "wants" doesn't really fit in 24 hours, especially if I sleep for at least 7hrs.  If you are a Momma or Papa out there getting your workouts in, I applaud you because it is freaking hard! We have to give up something precious (sleep) in order to stay healthy. So the question is: how badly do you want it? What is your level of commitment to your cause? I know my bed loves me at 5:40am, it wraps its warm, soft arms around me and begs me with soft whispers to stay in bed. 

It is not that I hate working out, no, on the contrary, I completely love being active and working out. What I don't like is that I have to get up so early to get it done. But then again, if this is my only worry of the day, I have a pretty good life and then I realize that my petty laziness can be overcome. 

Knitting as Therapy

Through the Woods

January is such a blah month. I read something recently that made me giggle, it read " January is the worst month! You're fat and broke from Christmas, it's cold and dark 24/7, you're paler than ever, it's just such a struggle", I tend to agree with that statement. It is a hard month. The January blues! Couple that with the sadness of my miscarriage and I have turned into a complete #itch the past month.  I try to be good. I really do. But, I cannot help myself when the blues hit, I just want to crawl into bed and stay in there forever. 

January blahs

Thankfully, January has a day off in there so I was able to stay home and simply "be". I gave myself the gift to knit for me. To do something for myself. I don't knit for myself often as I don't really have time to grab a pattern and knit and enjoy it. Most of the time, it is a matter of sitting down and figuring out instructions and writing out the pattern for the looms. Not this time. I simply sat down with pattern in hand and I knitted. I knitted for 3 afternoons/evenings. It was most pleasant. A feeling that I had forgotten, a feeling of getting lost in the process and seeing the magic appear. 

First, I knitted the cute Quendi hat by Irina Anikeeva. I totally love the cables. I do wish it wasn't so long in the ribbing section. I believe it is meant to be a slouchy hat, but I don't do really like slouch hats, at least not with cables in them. This one was worked with Malabrigo worsted--super soft and lovely! 

Quendi Hat

My other project, which I have been waiting since 2014 to get a chance to knit was the Through the Woods hood. I am in love with this hood. I made one winter of 2014 in a red color and it is one of my absolute favorite accessories. I have been meaning to knit one in a charcoal gray but I have not had the time, until this last weekend. I casted for it on Sunday night and finished it Monday evening. It simply flies through the needles!My Nyahbelle is here modeling the cute hood. And because she is uber cute, I couldn't decide on "just" one picture. 


Through the Woods 3

Through the Woods 2

Through the Woods 4

Through the Woods Back

I would like to knit another hood, but I want it with Celtic cables, but I haven't found one with Celtic Cables. I could design it myself but that means work so instead, I'll wait until someone else designs it so I can simply sit down and knit. 

This weekend was one of those in which I finally realized the wonderful gift that I have learned...I can create with string. I can create basically anything that I can imagine. One day, I will have a cat and I will dress it, hahaha. 

Goodbye 2015!

2015-12-25 06.18.19

It has been fun, it has been real, but it hasn't been real fun this year. I am glad that it is coming to a close and to see what 2016 has in store for us. As a family, we have overcome some major hurdles this year but we are happy to say that we have survived and have conquered. 

We have had some major highlights, some of them small but very meaningful to us. 

  1. We moved to a new house. In a sense, this was one of the major changes in our lives. We like the little house we are renting, it is in a good neighborhood, and most importantly, the kids have their friends near. 
  2. A full-time job for mom, meaning me. This was probably the biggest adjustment. The kids are in school til 3:30pm, so I went back to work, not part-time, but full-time. Unlike some family members want to believe, it was not because "I don't like to be home" or because "I give my kids all they want" but rather because financially, we needed it. My income helps support us. It is very hurtful when family members tell you to your face that "really, you shouldn't work because you should be able to live within your husband's income". Thankfully, I don't need to be near "these" family members. The best part is that I do love my job. I love being an Academic Advisor. I love being around the students. Most importantly, I am blessed to be surrounded by a wonderful team--each one of them is appreciative, kind, and smart. 12080145_10207987908761927_8558490266793821133_o
  3. Bryant competed at Nationals in Olympic Weightlifting. What?! Yep, my 13-year old boy, not only competed but he placed 2nd in the nation in his age and weight bracket. He got to this point not because it was given to him, but because of all the hard work he has put in at the gym. It is a result of his dedication and work ethic. 43855 (5)
  4. Our good friends moved back to town from Colorado. We have missed them and we are so glad that they are back in town so that we can see them more often. 
  5. I found a morning group to run with! This is very important as I had to find a group that went early enough so I could get to work on time. I love these gals! They have become a great support to me over the past few months.  We laugh, we chat, we solve the world problems, all while hitting the pavement. 11921799_10207670879956405_8956818659491229020_n
  6. I got my passport! Yes! I am super poor and probably won't be able to travel outside of the country in a very long time, but I have a passport! How cool is that! 11232080_10208213614964441_8238877051932084405_o
  7. We took an improptu trip to San Francisco! It was only a 1 day trip but it was so much fun to be near the ocean. My first 5 years of life were by the ocean, it is in my blood. I love it. I love the smell, the breeze, and of course, the food!
  8. Taking three mini trips across the country with these awesome sidekicks! California, Reno, and Minnesota! 12291856_10208337274415850_5105633241318985721_o
  9. We tried for a baby (blog-story of hopes and dreams)and we were able to get pregnant, but unfortunately it didn't work out in our favor. It is a sad part of the list, but I know in my heart that my little family is not four anymore but five. One day, not on this earth, I will get to hold my child.  Ultrasound
  10. Spent Thanksgiving with my uncle Pablito, celebrating the holiday and also bonding with them and allowing the children to spent time with them and learn about our Mexican culture. 

    We are together. We laugh. We cry. We have each other's backs. I know I can depend on my hubby for anything that I can dream up, and that the two little ones will follow us. Thank you 2015 for all the wonderful memories, for the lessons that we learned, and for allowing us to relay on each other.  Family PictureWishing all of you a wonderful New Year's Eve and a Prosperous New Year, 2016!

A Club No One Wants to Belong To

The following post is a bit raw. I needed an outlet for my thoughts and what was going on inside me at the time. It is probably one of the most personal posts this blog has had in a very long while. I wrote it a couple of weeks ago and it has sat, unfinished, because I couldn't bear the thought of reading through it or going through the emotions again. I still cannot read through it without having tears roll down my face. Perhaps the loss will always be there...


For a little while, we were a family of 5. We have been wanting to make our little family bigger for a long time. On November 7th, we found out that our dream was finally becoming a reality. I was so excited to become a mommy for the third time. Full of joy, I stepped outside of the bathroom to show my hubby my test results. He was so busy with some car issues that we were having that his first words were "all-wheel-drive" as he was finishing his previous thought out loud. I laughed and I jokingly punched him on his arm. He got up and hugged and held me for a little while. We were both so very excited. I was full of dreams already, full of happy thoughts in my head of what the following years will bring. 

Pregnancy Test

Everything was going great, I was feeling cranky, just like with my two previous pregnancies and I was having some of the other common pregnancy signs-nausea and some cravings, however, along with this, I was also feeling dizzy, a lot. Each time I exerted myself, even minimally, like on a regular slow run, I would feel dizzy. If I picked up anything heavy, I felt dizzy. Driving to work, I would feel dizzy. I figured that it was because I was older and my body was not my 20-year-old body as with my fist two pregnancies. 

On November 28th, I started spotting. It was a drop or two so I wasn't very concerned. I went to bed thinking that maybe it was normal. Having never had spotting during my first two pregnancies, I didn't know what was happening. Next morning, I woke up and there was more spotting, heavy, deep red spotting. Right away I was panicking. I knew something was wrong. In my heart, I knew that I was losing my baby. My world came crashing down around me. The question in my mind was, why? I consider myself to be quite healthy, exercise regularly, eat clean foods, never drink or smoke, yet, here I was faced with losing my baby for some unknown reason. As we traveled from visiting my uncle, I was contemplating the issue at hand. What was ahead of me? Could it really be possible to bleed as much as I was bleeding and still be able to keep my baby?

Monday morning, I called the hospital to get with my doctor. The only available appointment was at 4 pm. I spent the next 3 hours at their offices. First, the doctor gave me a routine check-up, asked me questions about my previous pregnancies (how many, how many children). He reassured me that some pregnancies do experience some bleeding during the first trimester, not to worry. I was taken to the ultrasound room next. The regular ultrasound didn't work as it was still too early to detect on an external ultrasound. He was finally able to locate the baby with an internal ultrasound. My little peanut was there, I could see it, however, although I was at 8 weeks, he didn't have a heartbeat. The doctor measured it and said he measured at 6.5 weeks, and that sometimes at that "age" the heartbeat was undetectable. I was told to go home and come back in 2 weeks and he would check for a heartbeat. Doctor said that there was still a chance that my little one was okay. Sometimes conception dates are off and maybe my baby was too small. I requested to have blood samples taken to measure my HCG levels. The doctor agreed, he said that if that would make me feel more at ease that I could do that. Samples needed to be taken within 48 hours of each other to be accurate and the HCG levels should go up. 

As I sat in the parking lot, I cried. I knew what was happening. I knew it with all my being and there was nothing I could do about it to stop it. I knew that if I was having a miscarriage that it was going to happen no matter if I stood on my head for the next 7 months. I drove home and I tried to compose myself before walking in and spreading my "joy" around the entire household. I think the hardest part of my experience has been holding my shit together in front of the world. As you go through this, life doesn't stop. There is still work, kids must go to school, the world keeps going around and around and with it, you must keep going. 

I had my second HCG sample taken on Wednesday. Unfortunately, I didn't find out the results from both samples until Friday. My numbers had gone down, it went from the 1300s to 800s. As I heard the assistant tell me this over the phone, a feeling of numbness took over me. I was talking to her, but I was not "there". I couldn't believe it. I was preparing myself for this for the past week and I knew it was coming, however facing the reality was a completely different. She told me something about some medicine and that I should come in next week, Wednesday. I hung up the phone, and, with it, all hopes of my baby. The agony and emotional pain that I was feeling were like nothing I have ever felt before. I felt dead inside. My body was not "good enough" to hold on to my baby.  That entire day, I cried on and off continuously. I cried for the loss of my baby. I cried for the missed dreams. I cried for something that I had imagined in my future. I mourned what I lost, what it seemed that it was only real to me. I felt so alone (although I was not), I felt that I was alone in this world.  I remember feeling that I was inside the deepest, darkest hole on earth. No light was coming in and no sound, only my crying and deep sorrow was around me. 

As one of my close friends shared with me yesterday, I had become part of a club that no one else wants to join. 1 in ever 5 women go through a miscarriage, yet, it is a story that not many of us want to share. How can we? How can we share a story that brings so much sorrow, a story of hopes that never came to pass. 

I love you baby Eowyn. You will always be in my heart. 


I know that as time passes, I will heal, and as an LDS person, I know all about the after-life, however, none of that makes sense nor makes me feel better right now.